1.770208.1

Nationality: Singaporean

Age Group: Mid-40s

Gender: Female

Ethnic: Chinese

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About Me

I am the eldest of 3 daughters. B ydefault, I am the son of the family in Asian context. My character helps in fulfilling this role since I am brave, a leader by nature, decisive & quite (not very) int elligent. I don’t know what I did in school when I was younger but I was always appointed as a class leader year after year. However, I was not confident then. Perhaps it’s because I was better in Chinese than English, which is the mainstream language in most schools then. My mom, who’s educated in Chinese, was my “tutor” at home. My self-confidence was really brought about by 4 English teachers at the age of 8, 10 & 13. When I realized I can do anything & achieve what I want if I challenge myself & have enough confidence to just try, it became my main driver in life.

Strong But Weak

I came across this passage by this Author Silvy Love.

“When they see you as a strong woman, they think that you do not need anything or anyone, you can bear everything and will overcome whatever happens. That you do not mind not being listened to, cared for or pampered. When they see you as a strong woman, they just look for you to help them carry their crosses. They talk to you and they think you do not need to be heard. A strong woman is not asked if she is tired, suffering or falling, if she has anxiety or fear. The important thing is that she is always there: a lighthouse in the fog or a rock in the middle of the sea. The strong woman is not forgiven anything. If she loses control, she becomes weak. If she loses her temper, she becomes hysterical. When the strong woman disappears a minute, it is immediately noticeable, but when she is there, her presence is usual. But the strength that is needed every day, to be that kind of woman, does not matter to anyone.”

This article aptly describes what typical strong women experience. When a strong person breaks down, she can only suffer in silence. Because she’s capable of overcoming it, she deserves to be hammered. Laughable you think? Maybe ask yourself how many times you were there for a strong woman. Do take care of the strong women in your life because they also need to be pampered, loved and feel that they can rest in you.

Misunderstood

I have been trained to analyze & think at least 3 to 5 steps ahead. Sometimes no matter how much I share, people around me do not understand what I planned or instead felt that it was a manipulative move. When things do happen the way I anticipated, people see it as that was beyond their level to handle. It gets tiring to always be misunderstood & having to settle all the problems for others because they do not see my point then. Often, there is only a fine line between a strategy & a manipulation. I would like to think of it as the former.

Career & A Failed Marriage

The route to the top was not easy. When a man makes a mistake, it is understandable that the situation was tricky. When a woman makes a mistake, she does not have it in her. When a man defies, he has a mind of his own. When a woman defies, she’s a bitch.

I have been told by many superiors that I am CEO-material. While that is flattering & a recognition of my competencies, the real motivation of my career success was my ex-husband. Don’t get me wrong. He’s not encouraging or supportive of my career. His constant efforts to remind me that I am not as capable as I think I am, that I am nobody until I am somebody, that my success equates to how much I earn, that no matter what i do, I am still a woman & will never be able to do what a man can do, were what drove me to strive for my own career. I helmed senior management positions for past decade.

I also stopped playing the piano for a few years in earlier days of my marriage as he always tried to point out “mistakes” while I played when he is actually tone-deaf. Funny right? I woke up one day & decided "F*** It"! I bought 2 pianos back & had recitals daily.

The emotional abuse is one of the worst abuse anyone can experience as it is not visible to others & often make the victim look unreasonable & wronged.

Many people who doesn’t really know me will think that my marriage failed because of my strong character & my pursuit of a successful career. The opposite could not be truer. My successful career was driven by my failed marriage.

For many who felt that a mom should always stay in the marriage, no matter how damaged, for the sake of their children. I urge for you to read the book "It Ends With Us" by Colleen Hoover. My daughter got it for me for Xmas last year. It is precisely for the sake of our children, that we need to end the unfulfilled & abusive marriage so they learn to take care of their own well-being.

I have taken a few steps back in terms of my role in my career now to find myself again. I have spent the last 15 years giving 200% of myself to work & my daughter. I have put aside my needs, my want, the things I love, to make way for a financially better life. Now, I want to focus on myself, build my own small projects on the side, cherish my close friends, do what I love – making music, taking care of my plants (& pray hard they stay alive), keep healthy & strong physically & meet more genuinely nice people. All these, while still doing a job that are meaningful & purposeful – driving support for climate change, better livelihood for people in the region, getting children & citizens of the world educated, driving efforts for food sustainability. I am also mentoring youths to seek what they think their career interest will be.

I can safely say – I am 100% happy in this aspect of my life right now.

Family

My daughter has been the root of my life since she was born. These 18 years of bringing her up made me discover & understand a lot of things & emotions. I can love someone unconditionally & it is really nice to love someone unconditionally. Having her around also made me question a lot of myself in terms of my personality, goals & way of doing things. Sometimes she scares me when I see myself in her (I quickly change so she knows it’s not ideal to pick that up), sometimes she amazes me how she can be so good & different like being thrifty, inclusive, honest. I do learn a lot from her, much more than I like, which I think it’s a good thing.

I love my parents very much. My mom is harder to love as she can be very loud & not easy to please. But she has done so much for the family & has her heart in the right place. I am learning to love her the way she wants to be loved. I always have a soft spot for my dad. He had been the sole bread winner of the family right up to when I started working. And his love language is to drive his children & grandchildren around – to/fro school, to/fro work. He did that for me till I was in my 30s. In fact, even now, he will drive me if I ask. My wish is to be able to take care of them & bring them for travels yearly. I may have to resume this until my finances are up & going again. But I do my best for now.

Love

I am a romantic at heart & still believe in true love. Despite the few unfortunate experiences including my divorce, I am still waiting to meet the love of my life. I have learnt that its possible & a fabulous feeling to love someone truly & wholeheartedly. I do on a regular basis improve my comprehension of love. I believe I am at the best place right now to be the best kind of partner. God has everything planned out in terms of timing. It’s incredible. If I had re-married earlier on, I may still had held on to a non-ideal belief of what love is. Right now, I am at the pretty well-placed emotionally & to give love.

Realization

After 40 over years of struggles, with expectations, emotions & our own personalities, I have come to realize that very often, we tend to live based on what we think others want out of us. We need to be doing things we truly are happy about. Perhaps we were happy for a short moment – like getting a better paying job, eating nice food, exercising our power & authority, etc. We need to search within ourselves what it is that we really love to do & that we either do it so well or are happy just being in the journey of doing. This, to me, is a more sustainable success, than meeting expectations of others. I urge everyone who read this, to re-discover what success means to you & live the life you truly want.